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[25 Oct 2005|07:25pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Over The Rhine - When I Go. |
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It's autumn. The wind is cold and blistering. The leaves are shades of brown, red, gold, and mahogany. They fall to the ground, as if no longer needing their life source, but instead wish to detach and become entities all to themselves, even though they know they will die and become but a small crinkly piece of nothing that someone walks on thoughtlessly. The sky is overcast, as if a sign of things to come.
The relationship ended based on a feeling he can't even recall now. He will be comforted by lack of reality with his drug, and I will still be sitting here waiting for him to realize that this is a mistake. Again, I am waiting for the other person to feel the same thing I feel; to love me back as selflessly. He tells me I'm wrong about the things I assume, yet he makes no effort to tell me how I'm not perfectly right. He only talks to me when I'm emotionless and listen to him. The second I become a human being, the second I have feelings, he blocks me again. It's as though he sees me as this insane chaotic ball of hurt that he can't handle, and would just rather leave.
We were really, really happy together.
Everything is so beautiful. I wish I had someone to show that to. I wish I had my companion.
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| What about Montauk? |
[25 Oct 2005|07:01am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
] |
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music |
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Gretchen Wilson - Holdin' You. |
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I have fleeting moments of understanding. My train of thought seems to come to a stand still there. I have never felt something was so right, and then have it end. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't do drugs, I don't drink excessively, I don't hurt people purposely in relationships. What the hell did I do wrong? I am an understanding person. I am a caring person. I am a loving person. Why are these things looked over as if they don't matter at all, but instead... the small things do. The fact that I do something wrong accidentally, ends something so amazing. The fact that I am at blame, for reasons unbeknownst to myself. Maybe I am a romanticist, no... in fact, I am a romanticist. Because of that, I never see something ending. I always have hope for the future. No matter how bleak the current situation is, no matter what has been done, I know there is a possibility things will work out. The only problem with that, is I, in the past, have only ended up hurting myself because I stay in relationships until the other person refuses to break up with me, but instead, acts out so I leave them. I don't look into my past to find my future, though, so the fact that those things have happened, doesn't deter my belief that things could change.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I'm not tired, even though I wish I were so I didn't have to feel.
I know I will go up to my room, lay in my bed, and cry. I don't feel like crying, even if it is inevitable. So, instead, I will listen to a cheesy country song about heart break and love that I have played on repeat for the past 10 hours, while substituting food with cigarettes because I'm melancholy and therefore don't feel like eating.
Obviously, there is something gravely wrong with me. Otherwise, these things wouldn't happen to me.
During my small moment of feeling hopeless (I'm actually lying, because I still feel hopeless) last night, while crying on the floor of my room like an insanely stupid female listening to sappy music, I went as far as to question karma. I asked myself what I could have possibly done to deserve this amount of pain, and without any real substantial reasoning.
I don't even know.
I have no idea how I feel, or what to feel.
I feel stupid, betrayed, hurt, small, helpless, lost, attached, detached.
My mind is spinning and I don't know how to stop it.
I am whirling into oblivion.
I am left behind to fend for myself. They never care to check on me. Though, why would I expect that from someone who leaves me? I actually do. I wait for them to ask how I'm doing. I know in my heart that it won't affect their decision about our relationship, nor will it affect the decisions they are currently making in their own life, so I suppose it doesn't matter at all how I feel. Why am I so open to people? Why do I let people hurt me like this? I would do it all again in a heart beat. I want that much to be loved, even for just an increment of time. I want him back more than anything.
My throat hurts from forcing myself not to cry.
My whole body hurts from being so tense.
I feel my heart knocking on my chest because I am so much of everything.
I am so fucking angry, I am so fucking hurt, I am so fucking understanding, I am so fucking lost, I am so fucking detached, I'm so fucking frustrated... I'm so fucking in love.
I think he'll show up when I'm outside smoking. I think he will walk up to me, and tell me he just wanted me to be surprised that he'd be there. I think I will wake up and this will all be a dream that makes me realize just how much I really need him. Why doesn't he need me as much? Why didn't he contact me? Why am I always the one to first show that I miss someone? Why am I such a child, that I need love? That I need someone? That I need him.
I don't even want to be here. I don't even want to be living at this present moment.
I have the false hope that he will see this and realize he's made a mistake. It won't happen. It won't happen, because that would be perfection. That kind of perfection, would bring me to my fucking knees. That kind of need, that kind of love, that kind of eternal infatuation, would leave me breathless.
He will move on and love again and again. Soon I will be forgotten, as I always am. Soon, I will be but a memory that is hard to recall because there will be no feelings attached what so ever at that point. I will, again, be temporary. I am the person that brought him out of his desolation, and taught him to live again, only to have him fucking leave me. I will be replaced by something better. Something worthwhile.
Why am I not worthwhile? Why am I the fucking exception? I want to ask him so many things, such as why he sounded as though he didn't care at all in his last two voicemails. Telling me he saw nothing in our future. Telling me he was leaving me. His voice didn't waver or crack. He didn't sound sad. Maybe he was high? Either way, I have never felt so cold in my life as when I listened to them. I can still hear him telling me he doesn't want me. It's on repeat in my head.
If you want entropy, you are making it.
I am in love. I am in love. I am in love. I am in love.
Only he can help me, and he doesn't want to.
I am left with nothing.
Why am I even here?
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| Careful where you stand. |
[25 Oct 2005|01:57am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Yann Tiersen - Comptine D'Un Autre Eté. |
] |
This journal is public now, because I have stopped caring. I have no reason to hide my emotions. Hiding things, I have come to realize, is beyond stupid. Secrets only hold a person back. I will not be caged or weighed down by myself, or anyone else.
Drugs are a freedom I do not understand. Drugs are something all of my boyfriends turn to either during the relationship, or after. Does it bring some kind of train of thought that normally does not come in established reality? To quote a Pagan author, "The mind can do, by itself, anything drugs can." I believe it. I have had realizations, dreams, epiphanies, and more... without drugs. I have never once wanted to try drugs, nor will I ever. Though, in many of the cases, I simply think its in such a way that they are acting out; to cover up dread, guilt, remorse, pain, hurt. Whether or not I like it, it happens every time. I feel no need to escape reality. I have not lived that hard of a life, and no matter what, someone will always have it worse, but I feel as though I should be proud that during my low points, I didn't stoop to doing something as stupid as drugs. I have never cheated on someone, nor will I in the future. I don't understand such a short-sighted frame of mind. Maybe I am just a scared person at heart, but if I know something could possibly fuck up my future, or my relationships, or myself, I'm not going to do it. I am not reckless or unthinking. Regardless of the situation, I know what I'm doing, even if I know the outcome isn't a favorable one. Vacuousness leaves me astounded.
At times, the way my previous relationships ended makes me wonder about things, namely how I act in aforementioned relationships. I am not above lying, considering I was once a pathological liar. Though I will call myself out on it now, and never do it in a serious manner. I also hide my emotions, because I am insecure. This often makes relationships falter or one-sided for a while, but that changes once the person opens up to me. I am also naive a lot. Not in a sense that I am unintelligent or thoughtless, but I am beyond trusting. If you tell me you'll never leave me, I will believe you. Tell me you'll be by my side forever, I will believe you. Tell me you are in love with me, I believe you. This is both a plus and a negative, because it has yet to do anything else besides hurt me.
I will never stop trusting.
I also have the tendency to push people away. I will tell basically any one whatever they want to know about me. Like I tell nearly all that meet me: ask the right questions, and I will tell all. Regardless, the more you know about me, the less I want to be near you. That feeling is only cosmetic. I will try to be mad, I will try to be upset, I will try to act callous, but I cannot. I do it because I feel the person knows too much about me. My past two boyfriends have openly admitted to me that if they wanted, they could break me. They could rip me to pieces and leave me to bleed. Honestly, why would you tell someone you were supposedly in love with that you could hurt them? As truthful as it may be, it is also quite an evident fact and doesn't need to be voiced. Pretty much the second someone tells me that, I distrust them on some level. Well... possibly not distrust, but it spawns worries. Obviously, I am right to worry.
In the end, I am just happy when people are happy. I often get vindictive and nearly jealous, but if my ex-boyfriends are happy, I am glad. I'm glad that they stand up for what they want and don't let chances pass them by. I'm glad that they are doing what they want, and are not restricted by something they, at heart, do not want.
It hurts me because my hopeful train of thought is leaving me right now, and my eyes are starting to tear up. I feel as though there is something I am doing wrong that causes my boyfriends to want to become something they tell me they are not, or are no longer. I'm wondering if there's something that I say, that sets them into their old thinking; that makes them want to become emotionless and even a sociopath. I have such hope for love, for intimacy, for lust. I have such hope, and often times, I have no idea why. I wonder why I'm not the one who is asking for pity, or who is asking for guidance. I wonder why I am not sitting here broken, why I am not feeling worthless. I see such beauty in the world, and in everyone. I understand everything so much. It sometimes scares people when I understand them, because a lot of times, before me, no one has understood them. I am simply waiting for the day that someone understands me. The more I tell a person about myself, the less they understand. Although I rather like being a conundrum, a walking contradiction, it does seem to make relationships hard to handle for the opposite person, even to the point of ending things. I understand this, if only they'd explain it. I am open with my feelings most of the time, especially during break ups, and in truth, I expect the same in return. It's a false hope, because I never receive that luxury.
It's quite funny to me how the people who fall in love with me call me "beyond amazing," "beautiful," "different," "refreshing," "perfect," "exactly what they want." Yet a couple of arguments, a couple stupid decisions, a misunderstanding... and I end up alone while the other person does drugs, has sex with people, fills themselves with temporary happiness that will kill them one day. What once was so beautiful to the person, soon becomes something easily thrown out. I am something easily forgotten. While that person does things to change their state of mind, I sit here and think about it all. I will analyze all that they did, and all that I did. I strive to make healthy improvements in my life, and it hurts my soul when other people couldn't care less about their own life, especially when I love the person. When I fall in love, I do not fall out of it. I still love Nick. I still love Evan. I still love you. This will never change. I will help them if they ever ask for it, yet I don't expect the same in return for some reason. In pretty much any other situation, I expect at least a "thank you" in return. In this, I do not. If that makes me stupid, I don't care. I am not one to leave people, ever. I do not detach myself from those that I love. I love deeply, and it will never be broken. Even if it's only loving the memories which we had, and the person they were when we were together, so be it.
All that matters, is at one time, I made them happy. I brought them out of depression. I was their friend for a while. Every time, once they feel better, I am no longer needed and am tossed aside. I am ignored. I am given apathetic replies. I am completely cut off. How I think, what I feel, my words... rendered useless.
I made you happy once.
That makes me happy.
It also makes me cry and feel alone, because I am never the one they want. I am simply the one they leave behind.
Some day, I want everything to coincide. As much as I wanted it with this, and as much as I truly thought it to be true, it wasn't on the other side. I was betrayed, and I am hurt.
I miss you more each hour that goes by. A have a lump in my throat that physically hurts me because I won't allow myself to shed another tear tonight.
Hope lies under it all.
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